The Invisibility Myth part 5-Be the heroine of your own adventure

➨I am more & more aware that soon we will be the elder states persons in our lives…

  ➨ So, my project is gathering momentum.  I had the honour of doing the first, virgin fresh interview for my fledgling book; The Invisibility Myth the other day. I deliberately sought out someone I had no history with, a new friend (as I now like to think of her), so I had no pre-conceived notions of what she would say to me.

   ➨London that day was sporting a spectacular coat of spring blossom, full of optimism and possibility, which perfectly echoed my mood. I was en route from the west to the north side of town, to meet ‘C’ as I will call her for now.  A wonderful woman who will be 63years old this year, so well within my chosen demographic for research.  She is brim full of vim and vigor, honesty, opinions, wisdom, insight, creativity. Getting on with being the heroine in her own life;

Unapologetically the sum of her accumulated years of experience;  an ever evolving kaleidoscope of a life lived and living in colour,  with few shades of grey.  During the interview, as she referenced a time when a number of people she was close to had passed away, she said the words; ‘I was surrounded by more ghosts than people’,….WOWSA ….It started me thinking that soon WE who still consider ourselves (in our heads)  to be youthful and with so much yet to say/do/be, will inevitably have to take on the crown of the elder states persons in our own lives.  A sobering thought. I’m not yet ready for this, I don’t feel old, wise or mature enough!  

   ➨As I record ‘C’ picking out questions from my list to answer, it becomes abundantly clear to me that there is no singular experience of all women. We assume so many roles in our individual lives, but perhaps the most important role we play is  that of nurturing empowerment in other women to do/be/evolve into what best suits them.  We also have a wider responsibility to the tender young women in our lives. So much of my dialogue with ‘C’ revolved around these topics.

 We should fill them with positive affirmation and assurance that it will all be ok, because despite all that has happened to us - the older women - in our individual life adventures, we have survived. The future will be chock full of possibilities for them, despite all those insecurities being driven by crazy hormones.  I am reminded of Caitlin Moran’s  heartbreaking open letter to the young women she encounters at her book signings, its from her book; Moranifesto.  I’m picking out a tiny quote:-  “Know that you were not born scared and self-loathing and overwhelmed. Things have been done - which means things can be undone.  It is hard work. But what you must do right now, and for the rest of your life, is learn how to build a girl. You.”……

The full piece catapulted me back to my own youth - the conflicting feelings and emotional insecurities.  The promise I made to myself to always remember those physical feelings, even though the detail would be lost in time, so that I could support others. I laugh to myself when I think how badly as an adult I dealt with some of the more extreme teen behaviour of my own offspring….My excuse being that I was peri-menopausal at the time…….Oh well, we are human after all…… 

   ➨We grow, we bloom, absorbing what is around us.  We keep on blooming - or should do - until we complete the cycle of life/death/rebirth and embark on the next adventure.  I don’t know about you, but this thought has sure as hell comforted me in my ‘dark night of the soul’ moments…..Still does.

 ➨Recently, I paused my day of to chat with two old guys - ordinary, extraordinary elders from my London street.

They were born in 1933 and 1929, making them 84 and 88 years old and they always, always have great life affirming stories to share.  The younger one was having difficulty remembering  details, but the other is as active mentally and physically (within reason- he is older than god!) as he always has been.

Guyanese Eric and Jessica Huntley  founded a radical publishing business called The Bogle L’Ouverture Press in 1968 from their house, which is only slightly quieter now that Jessica his beloved wife has passed away.  Life was anything but easy for them back in 1970’s London when they arrived separately to pursue their passion. The title of their autobiography; “Doing Nothing is Not an Option” says it all about their life principle. Their home is a revolving door of people of all ages and races seeking out the company of Jessica and Eric, wanting to be inspired by their stories and wisdom.  Go to’s for advice, education, comfort and occasionally a good telling off! To me they are icons of their age. The epitome of the “extraordinary ordinary”.  My life is undoubtedly enriched from having them as neighbours and friends.  I must ask them who they look up to……

    ➨Apropo of nothing in particular, my man was 59 a few days ago. I will be 61 this year…..

Am I/we ready to grow up and be elder states persons?  Not really.

Am I/we wiser?  A bit, not much.

Am i/we evolving?  Sure are - just not sure in what way! 

Be kind humans.....Don't forget to be your own heroine.

Love and Peace.

The Invisibility Myth part 4. Now for the real work

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn't matter.” —Mark Twain. 

   My final night shift in the homeless shelter for 2017 (perfect volunteer work for the insomniacs among us) and my mind is buzzing with an avalanche of thoughts and ideas I need to give form to.

Last night my daughter’s boyfriend created my web domain; theinvisibilitymyth.com, so now the real work begins to get this book writing show on the road. I am starting to gather interviews with some of the extraordinary ordinary women I am encountering on this journey.  I will start to form and paint the website with stories and photographs and ultimately create and publish a book that will inspire and celebrate the real lives of us women; who we are, where we have come from, where we are headed.  A celebration of lives lived, experiences shared. Mutual empowerment….. I’m exciting myself here!

   So, i’m reaching out, asking you to email me at; jeanielovesart@gmail.com if you would like to share. I would absolutely LOVE to hear from you if you do, and promise to get back to you.  The idea is for you to answer a set list of 20 questions that will tell a short version of your life - life stories of you extraordinary ordinary women’s adventures to add to my own.  Preferably I would like you to be post 50, but i’m open to hear you all!…. 

   Why am I doing this?  

   I'm glad you asked... 

Here's the thing; At 50 I woke up as if from a dream state.  For 10 years I had been what is now recognised as peri-menopausal.  Functioning for periods of time in a foggy grey bubble of un-reality, which I found it imposssible to get the medical profession to properly diagnose.  I believed I had become invisible - to myself and to the world.  This was SO not like me.  Every now and then I would have periods of relative "normality", but always ended up back in the bubble. Waves of hormones and mood swings made me unpredictable company.  I want to stress that this was NOT people making me feel this way, it was something organic dwelling within me.  A hormonally driven craziness that made me feel as if I were not really here.  Around my 50th birthday the greyness and fog lifted.  It was like a re-birth of sorts.  I dwelt comfortably once more in my old skin and partied for my 50th birthday like it was - erm - 2006…..Time to move on with life in real time, not dream time.  I have been making up for that lost time for the past 10 years.

   Self-image interests me, so I am drawn to delve into the credibility or otherwise of the ‘invisibility’ card. I recently read of a woman saying:  “Age, I now realise doesn’t creep up, it fells you with changes you didn’t see coming.  And it happens at 50.  You vanish, replaced by an old and forgettable woman”. ????? Seriously????? I remind myself what is being put out there by re-visiting feminist writer Naomi Wolf in her book ‘The Beauty Myth”.  Her reasoning is cultural, systemic and makes for depressing reading. Thankfully,  most of us women are too busy getting on with our lives, to get bogged down in the detail in the book of the demands of the so called patriarchy. I do not want to give oxygen to this myth, and here’s why;  It’s all in our individual heads….Put there by years of conditioning and experiences. We need to let it go. In order to be the person I am today, I have had to let go of a veritable Trump Tower full of accumulated baggage.  The truth is that women in the western world are freer than ever to celebrate being the women we want to be in 2017 and we seem to be blind to it.  The 1st rule should be that we give ourselves permission to really feel beautiful from deep within and foster a strong personal identity. We are being complicit in our own downfall by harsh self-judgment and criticism of ourselves and each other. The title of Norah Ephrons book: I feel Bad About My Neck, is an honest, funny account of ageing, but the title says much about our default tendency to see ourselves in a negative, concerning light. My accumulated 60 years experience of living, feels so unfettered now, compared to the winging it of my youth.  The more natural, home spun self confidence age has brought me is no longer the unwieldy, unpredictable, misunderstood tool it once was. It sits comfortably with me as I feel the power age and wisdom has conferred. My post menopausal sexiness if you like, is now in the form of that confidence, not in obsessing about the need to seek plastic surgery for (among other things) - vaginal rejuvenation - who does that other than accident victims? I know I am 60.  I own it.  It walks with me on my cranky knees ffs!

Nasty bitching about a woman - oh - by a woman....

   Who, in the main are the advertising copy writers, the editors/writers of the fashion magazines???? - yes - WOMEN. Powerful women in charge of a multi-million pound business. Women who decide what to validate or knock down.  What to give us overt permission through their tag lines to do/be/say. It is a form of bullying to my mind.  Ladies we need to stop feeding this judging of one another.  We all do it and it needs to stop. Period. Be who you want to be.  Empower and allow others to do likewise…It’s not a competition- or shouldn’t be. There is no prize. However, there is a goal; - Self worth. Self-respect. Happiness. Positive connection with the human race, positive role-models for our daughters and younger women. We are the keepers of a hot, hot flame!

What a sad, sad viewpoint to buy into.....

…..If perchance you do choose to buy into some of this ‘older women are invisible’ malarky, maybe shoplifting is a good choice of career for you….If salespersons do ignore you…well, those goodies could find their way into your bag and out the door unobserved……Maybe you  could eat and drink in restaurants and leave without paying the bill…..Or book into expensive hotels and slope off in plain sight at the end of your stay unobserved…Just an idea….I’m not sure you'll find you are as invisible as you may think you are……..

Nice to see the press occasionally validating  my beliefs...