The Invisibility Myth 14; Jane Fonda, Vanity & Me

Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder

➨I’ve got this quote swirling in my head from a Jane Fonda interview a couple of years ago:

 “I continued to try to be perfect on whatever level the man I was with wanted, willing to forgo emotional intimacy and betray my own body and soul if honestly speaking with my true voice might mean losing him,” she wrote. “It wasn't even that I depended on any of them financially, as many women do who turn themselves into pretzels for their men. I always supported myself.” Last week when she appeared at the 2017 Emmy Awards

 much media coverage was given to her appearance. I’ve been reading the personal comments on social media; women praising her, eviscerating her, pitying her, judging her, men being downright nasty. In response, she said that; “Men are very visual, they want young women. So, for us, it’s all about trying to stay young.”

Her cosmetic surgery, she added, had extended her acting career by a decade….The mixed messages of her words left me confused and a little bit angry for some reason - was I too guilty of judging? 

 

 ➨How does any of this help the younger generation of women and men in our lives (or indeed those of us who cannot afford, or do not want to have surgery) stay visible, relevant and empowered as they age?  Surely it’s healthier mentally and physically to learn as early as possible not to aspire to the social media driven ideal of “perfection”, but that there are an infinite variety of body shapes, sizes, looks - all of them acceptable and not to be judged?

 Should us ordinary extraordinary women, feminists, humans bear some responsibility to halt the rot?  It feels to me like a no brainer; “Y-E-S of course we should" answer.  It’s a jungle out there and it’s not as easy as you might think to throw the fuck-off switch. Our individual freedoms and choices are greater than ever, and yet I see us encouraged to believe that self-love and contentment always lies in being beckoned around an elusive, distant corner, where the surgeons knife, beauticians needle, pharmacists pills and potions expensively and dependently lurk. Such very, very frustrating and confusing messages…We golden oldies

 know there really is a fulfilling life to be had post thirty without excess self-loathing needing to be part of the deal….. 

Happy in her own adorned skin

➨Now, i’m not in Jane Fonda’s life choices league financially or globally, but my Jeanie world thoughts turned to the call I got recently, with the opportunity to bare all for a national newspaper article about women’s relationship with body image. I knew what the potential ramifications of such an in-your-face reveal could be, so although I wanted to do it for myself and for my Invisibility Myth project, I still ran it past my family. I said that if they had a problem with me doing the photo shoot, I wouldn’t go ahead.  I felt that my personal life decisions do have wider reaching consequences to my loved ones, when put out into the public arena. Their response was pride, respect and a big; go for it, but please don’t put the photos on social media!…Yes of course there will be a degree of embarrassment about Ma getting her kit off, but the overarching message of the piece (I’m trusting they won’t go for cheap sensationalism) is a disparate group of women of all ages and sizes, battling their personal body issues,  showing that taking your clothes off is a great leveller and can be pretty empowering.  And that it’s an ok thing to do. It sure is an interesting way of meeting new people, no designer labels attached and little space for shrinking violets!!! Swapping life stories in the buff with a young mother and an eighty seven year old was empowering, enlightening and hilarious.  If you are interested in the full story, it will be appearing in The Advantages of Age online magazine soon, as will the photos in a national Sunday newspaper magazine, but i’m not telling which one till i’ve seen them myself 😉….

➨ I'm offering my 61 year old words of wisdom to 79 year old Jane; Oh vanity, vanity all is vanity…You always were a beautiful, intelligent woman and I wish you had realised that when you were young…You didn’t  need to go under the knife, starve and mould yourself to what your Father led you to believe was the thing to do to be noticed.  The right sort of man would be privileged to have you in their lives, the rest are simply not worthy to worship at your (i'm sure) immaculate feet...

The Invisibility Myth part 12 - Failed Samaritan moi?

➨Negative language is never helpful in the quest for self - no shit Sherlock. For me it's been a personal learning curve that’s lasted many years and led to more self-flagellation than I would freely admit to...I don't find masochism a pleasurable experience. 

➨On a wet Monday morning recently a 1991 life memory came to me, which started a whole train of initially negative language and thinking:

  

I was 34, newly married, new baby, new life, new me. I decided I wanted to be a Samaritan, so I signed up for the in-house training sessions. I fail the final test. It never occurred to me that I would…  Apparently I sounded bored on the telephone and even though I was great with the face to face stuff (actors acting out grim scenarios) my phone voice sounded bored. I did feel it was a tad judgmental as you can only get so much nuance into the words: “Samaritans how can I help you”, but rules is rules I suppose. 

➨Before I had given birth I had signed up to start an Environmental Studies Degree. Three assignments in and I dissolved into a pile of blubbering snotty tears having to admit that I couldn’t  deal with the enforced loss of my previous business, a new life, a new baby, and a degree.

That word - fail niggled away at my self-worth. Was this altogether remotely surprising, unexpected or unusual? No of course not, but it didn’t stop me beating myself up.

➨Ten months after giving birth I enrolled on a business development course and used as my small business concept the idea of frozen fresh, organic baby food.  The working title was Baby Organix - at a time when fresh frozen food for babies was unheard of. Did I follow through past the development, drawing up a profit/loss account stage? Nope. A few months later the trend for this kind of product took off big time, making the few who followed through gazillionaires. Oh well, fail again. Reality check - could I/would I/did I want to spend 23 hours a day making it work? No I didn’t, because what I really wanted to do was learn how to be a good enough mother.  At that point in my life I was competing with myself to prove that I could do it all, have it all, be it all, with babe in arms. Zap, Bang, Pow, Frickin Wonder Woman...

➨I was so desperate to contribute a little financially that I often failed to benefit from living in the moment. This continued even after having my second child. Most of my peers had returned to their former careers, leaving me with the impression of being the most invisible and insecure I have ever felt in my life. Then, after years of volunteering in various capacities other than The Samaritans, taking odd jobs here and there to pay for holidays and extras, my man often working away from home leaving me to juggle with the parenting thing, what is now recognised as the peri-menopause kicked in and robbed me of my forties. What a shame I didn’t know what I know now: Motherhood was actually the unravelling and re-making of me on a deep, profound level. My own re-birth of sorts. Instead, many things physical, mental, real and imagined froze my development and sense of self. Flipping hormones were on overdrive, a runaway train driving me into uncharted territory. Lordy it was horrible - like the worst bits of being a teenager all over again, with responsibility...

➨At the age of 50 the fog palpably lifted, albeit with the welcome help of hormone patches! I finally came alive again and things started to make sense.  My confidence returned, the anxiety departed and I felt like a newly emerged version of my old self, the me who was comfortable - even proud of the successes and failures in my life. I felt liberated, strong and in my prime. It’s that literal and metaphorical carrying of scars thing;  they show you have survived, which is an incredibly empowering and comforting realisation. I could see the short periods I now have of negative thinking as another fail, but the enlightened me sees it as a necessary part of the journey - one side of the coin.  To dwell too long on the darker moments without at least finding personal growth from it would be a sad waste.

 ➨I currently have two years of a Humanities Degree completed with really good marks, I am totally committed to my new project The Invisibility Myth, a topic which perfectly encompasses and embraces my life journey and experience. I’m meeting amazing people through the wonders of Instagram and being an Airbnb host.  My man and I are spending more time as a couple once more and this means working positively around and along with the various health issues that age has sprung upon us.  Re-connecting with one another and returning to our love of  global wandering, going to gigs, drinking coffee together and binge watching Netflix series is somewhat different from our young life together, but not in a negative way. My wonderful family are now mainly happy and self-reliant, off writing their own life scripts, so it is time to give myself permission to pursue my creativity without boundaries... No such word to me now as fail - by eventually  selecting the right attitude, I have been able to change my perceptions, not only for myself, but also to help empower and bring out the best in others, which is in and of itself a source of great satisfaction and pleasure. Learning, learning, learning.  This week it's been about wearing well being - a whole new, colourful and enlightening experience! 

Cue WhatsApp message from Fam member asking whats for supper, another asking whats happening with the Chrismukkah family play; Macbeth the Musical (don’t ask),  the Airbnb guest politely pointing out that her bed has sagged in one corner, closely followed by pooch yakking up, tyre going flat on car and the kitchen roof springing a leak in the August rain. Hmm, think I may need staff and a bit of positive affirmation...Practice what you preach woman...

The Invisibility Myth part 11: Coffin Dodgers Bus Tour

Advantages of Age Bus Tour. Photo Elainea Emmott

“Excuse me love - are you on the coffin dodgers bus too? Says the pink haired lady with a rubber duck headress… I have arrived at Sloane Square London and it is buzzing with exuberant self-expression and colour. The Advantages of Age dynamic duo of  Rose Rouse and Suzanne Noble

Suzanne Noble. Photo:Elainea Emmott

Rose Rouse. Photo: Elainea Emmott

have got together this event funded by The Arts Council held atop a vintage London Routemaster Bus. Us folk are invited to celebrate what it is to be from the baby boomer generation. Oh what a joyous life-affirming ‘OutAgeous’ sight greeted my arrival; Flamboyant Ladies and a spattering of Chaps 40-80 years young, dressed to thrill, draw attention, be visible, connect, make new friends, greet old ones, grow empowered.  Rose and Suzanne are the vanguards of a zeitgeist global movement of ordinary extraordinary older people who are showing that there is no time between now and infinity to waste with your feet up. Rose and Suzanne - you Ladies sure do lead by example!

 Worlds End

the invisibility myth

I dug out this photo of my East London Grandma and her sisters in the 1950’s.

 They would have been roughly the same age as this shit kicking group and it made me squeal out loud: Fanny-Eliza, Saphire-Matilda and Charlotte Louisa would be horrified by such behaviour… They would have seen us as a group of brazen hussies as we waved and screamed from the open top bus as it caroused around London, making stops to strut our stuff, have photo ops, drink fizz, dance and LAUGH - oh how much laughter there was. Good job I have a strong pelvic floor, or the summer rain wouldn’t have been the only thing running across the floor! Embracing 60 plus for me is about living a life far removed from Fanny, Min and Lil, whilst acknowledging that they were the pioneers of the freedom I never, ever take for granted. I love them, they are my roots, but…… 

Shrinking violets...

Lets be honest, through financial necessity many of us will be working in some form or another till we attend our own funeral parties, (Flamboyant Funerals as one FB thread suggested) hopefully doing what we love, so why shouldn’t we be having as much fun in our own way as the young ‘uns? This world needs hashtags like: livefastdieold, advantagesofage, notdeadyet, ageingcanbefun, theinvisibilitymyth. With the challenges that we face as we grow older, we need this diverse, inclusive global community network of our own, with it’s shared ethos of supporting each other whilst endeavouring to live our individual lives to the fullest. My flame has not dimmed with age, it is roaring, occasionally with the need for medication, but still… I strive to empower the young people in my life by being a role model who is visible, opinionated, empathetic and hopefully a bit wise. They should be seeing that there is much to look forward to in their own dotage if they keep on keeping on.

This highly visible, glorious movement is not just colourful, entertaining fun, it’s also about connectivity, community and support, so I say it again: Fuck Invisibility!

A la carte approach to reality. The Invisibility Myth part 6

  

➨After riding on a mini wave of joy at having a little article about The Invisibility Myth published in a brilliant online magazine: The Advantages of Age, http://advantagesofage.com/60-visible-fuck-invisibility-myth/ this past week could have been a ‘meh’ kind of time, as I went a bit off the creative boil.  Instead I have filled the time with masses of necessary, long abandoned (*resentful) practicality (*sighs).  Much more importantly, i've also taken some time to spend simply hanging with my friends. My saviours, my cheerleaders, my gang.  The people I can be ‘me’ with. The people who keep me grounded and uplifted and who are not afraid to tell it like it is, who care to come find me when i’m lost. Without them I would not be the whole person I am today. Experience has shown me that there are many different ‘chapters’ within my ever evolving gang;-

Advantages of Age article.

  ➨ The core group going waaaay back in time.  They have long dispersed around the globe following their own adventures, but when we find ourselves on each others shores and our paths cross for delicious, snatched catch-up times there is an unbreakable bond of shared history. 

   ➨There are the friends and neighbours local to where I live, who are like extended family with whom I trust the daily internal machinations of my crazy life and emotional ups and downs.  The ones I know I can call in the middle of the night for help and they are knocking on my door before I have finished my sentence.

   ➨The ones who are like the social butterflies in my life, who flit in and out and are always entertaining and uplifting.  They leave me feeling so enriched by having been in their presence, whilst often having no idea when or where I will see them again, but I kinda know I will, and there is a comfort and mutual understanding within this, that is good enough.

  ➨ The new blood; people I randomly connect with when socialising or travelling. I love the exciting injection of ideas, challenges, concepts, possibilities. The frisson of new relationships extending into the future, working with the theory that less is dull, more is always good. An intense exchange during a journey can be strangely enlightening and enriching, even though I will never see that person again. I think it’s a need for human connection kinda thang within me…..

   ➨ My Famalam.  The reason I breathe.

   ➨Last, and least; the frenemies, that you eject asap…Nuff said.

    ➨Against the aforementioned backdrop of self-imposed but productive creativity, gossip and general displacement activity, (I am uber good at the gd activity-I would venture to say I am a perfectionist) I have been waiting for feedback and - ahem - dare I say it - support from the commercial sector with whom I occasionally rub shoulders.  The photo shoot I documented in a previous posting has fizzled.  The enthusiastic and sincere promises made to me on that mid-March day-ones I was at pains to tell the company concerned, I was not originally seeking out, have not yet been realised.  In fact, until I emailed to ask what was happening with my account, there had been zero communication.  I was asked to contact them for an ‘aftercare telephone appointment’, which I duly did and had no reply….OK, this photo shoot was not for my chosen career path and was originally undertaken as research for my book The Invisibility Myth, but really, how cynical it is to have been sold a potential lie, instead of the unvarnished truth.

I made the decision to be honest and transparent on that day, and they acted like they loved the Invisibility concept. How bugging to feel the sting of disappointment - even if I wasn’t  seeking what they offered anyway…On the plus side, I have a brilliant set of professional photos for my own publicity use, so the cup is overall half-full. In order to keep up, you may have to read previous posts for clarity!  I am not good in defeat, even though I am always determined to rise above it, but will never accept a a la carte approach to reality in any sector of my life…Acting with honour is a biggie with me, and I expect - nay demand it in return…

  ➨Hearing Rudyard Kipling in my head...you can just If off Sir!!!!!!!:-

If you can keep your head when all about you   

    Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,   

If you can trust yourself when all (wo)men doubt you, 

    But make allowance for their doubting too;   

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, 

    Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies, 

Or being hated, don’t give way to hating, 

    And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise: 

If you can dream—and not make dreams your (mistress)master;   

    If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;   

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster 

    And treat those two impostors just the same;   

If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken 

    Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, 

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken, 

    And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools: 

If you can make one heap of all your winnings 

    And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss, 

And lose, and start again at your beginnings 

    And never breathe a word about your loss; 

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew 

    To serve your turn long after they are gone,   

And so hold on when there is nothing in you 

    Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’ 

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,   

    Or walk with Kings(Queens)—nor lose the common touch, 

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you, 

    If all (wo)men count with you, but none too much; 

If you can fill the unforgiving minute 

    With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,   

Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,   

    And—which is more—you’ll be a (Wo)Man, my (daughter)son

   ➨Yeah right - idealised, neat theory.  All this serves to do is make me stay focused and be extra sparkly, with a mere hint, a mere drizzle of irritation creeping around the periphery. 

   ➨Much better to mutter the following while licking my (very small) wound:-

💜You torment yourself wondering

 how they could not love your

 Burning heart 

and the answer is darling,

You are not the star

you thought you were

You are the fucking universe

and not everyone is an astronaut.💜

   ➨Hell-to-the-yesssssss.  No idea who to credit for these fine words, but it lifts me right back up to fly with the eagles…..Golden ones naturally, sipping fizz and dancing the Watusi before takeoff.

   ➨Anyhow, in the great scheme of my Invisibility Myth theory, does this little knock back make me feel invisible? No. Not even on a bad day.  It reminds me that shit happens. Would it make you feel invisible?  I hope not. This colourful life needs your smiles.

   ➨Oh yeah, not long till my website will be running, so I can share all the wonderful stories and photos i'm gathering.  It would appear that I am in the very zeitgeist of a new movement. 

   ➨Think I need to stop now….

💜Peace and Loveage Beautiful Humans.💜

What unadorned, sun kissed 60 really looks like!

A friend describes Jeanie as an adventurer of the heart and mind. A 60 year old with a lust for life, she is a mother, decorative artist, designer, traveller, Airbnb host and ex-restaurateur. Currently she is studying a Humanities Degree, having self-educated since leaving school at 16 and working on a book; The Invisibility Myth, exploring how extraordinary ordinary older women see themselves in the 21st century. 

She lives in West London and France with her husband, boomeranging children and a variety of other animals.

Chairman Jeanie philosophy

                                                   

The Invisibility Myth part 5-Be the heroine of your own adventure

➨I am more & more aware that soon we will be the elder states persons in our lives…

  ➨ So, my project is gathering momentum.  I had the honour of doing the first, virgin fresh interview for my fledgling book; The Invisibility Myth the other day. I deliberately sought out someone I had no history with, a new friend (as I now like to think of her), so I had no pre-conceived notions of what she would say to me.

   ➨London that day was sporting a spectacular coat of spring blossom, full of optimism and possibility, which perfectly echoed my mood. I was en route from the west to the north side of town, to meet ‘C’ as I will call her for now.  A wonderful woman who will be 63years old this year, so well within my chosen demographic for research.  She is brim full of vim and vigor, honesty, opinions, wisdom, insight, creativity. Getting on with being the heroine in her own life;

Unapologetically the sum of her accumulated years of experience;  an ever evolving kaleidoscope of a life lived and living in colour,  with few shades of grey.  During the interview, as she referenced a time when a number of people she was close to had passed away, she said the words; ‘I was surrounded by more ghosts than people’,….WOWSA ….It started me thinking that soon WE who still consider ourselves (in our heads)  to be youthful and with so much yet to say/do/be, will inevitably have to take on the crown of the elder states persons in our own lives.  A sobering thought. I’m not yet ready for this, I don’t feel old, wise or mature enough!  

   ➨As I record ‘C’ picking out questions from my list to answer, it becomes abundantly clear to me that there is no singular experience of all women. We assume so many roles in our individual lives, but perhaps the most important role we play is  that of nurturing empowerment in other women to do/be/evolve into what best suits them.  We also have a wider responsibility to the tender young women in our lives. So much of my dialogue with ‘C’ revolved around these topics.

 We should fill them with positive affirmation and assurance that it will all be ok, because despite all that has happened to us - the older women - in our individual life adventures, we have survived. The future will be chock full of possibilities for them, despite all those insecurities being driven by crazy hormones.  I am reminded of Caitlin Moran’s  heartbreaking open letter to the young women she encounters at her book signings, its from her book; Moranifesto.  I’m picking out a tiny quote:-  “Know that you were not born scared and self-loathing and overwhelmed. Things have been done - which means things can be undone.  It is hard work. But what you must do right now, and for the rest of your life, is learn how to build a girl. You.”……

The full piece catapulted me back to my own youth - the conflicting feelings and emotional insecurities.  The promise I made to myself to always remember those physical feelings, even though the detail would be lost in time, so that I could support others. I laugh to myself when I think how badly as an adult I dealt with some of the more extreme teen behaviour of my own offspring….My excuse being that I was peri-menopausal at the time…….Oh well, we are human after all…… 

   ➨We grow, we bloom, absorbing what is around us.  We keep on blooming - or should do - until we complete the cycle of life/death/rebirth and embark on the next adventure.  I don’t know about you, but this thought has sure as hell comforted me in my ‘dark night of the soul’ moments…..Still does.

 ➨Recently, I paused my day of to chat with two old guys - ordinary, extraordinary elders from my London street.

They were born in 1933 and 1929, making them 84 and 88 years old and they always, always have great life affirming stories to share.  The younger one was having difficulty remembering  details, but the other is as active mentally and physically (within reason- he is older than god!) as he always has been.

Guyanese Eric and Jessica Huntley  founded a radical publishing business called The Bogle L’Ouverture Press in 1968 from their house, which is only slightly quieter now that Jessica his beloved wife has passed away.  Life was anything but easy for them back in 1970’s London when they arrived separately to pursue their passion. The title of their autobiography; “Doing Nothing is Not an Option” says it all about their life principle. Their home is a revolving door of people of all ages and races seeking out the company of Jessica and Eric, wanting to be inspired by their stories and wisdom.  Go to’s for advice, education, comfort and occasionally a good telling off! To me they are icons of their age. The epitome of the “extraordinary ordinary”.  My life is undoubtedly enriched from having them as neighbours and friends.  I must ask them who they look up to……

    ➨Apropo of nothing in particular, my man was 59 a few days ago. I will be 61 this year…..

Am I/we ready to grow up and be elder states persons?  Not really.

Am I/we wiser?  A bit, not much.

Am i/we evolving?  Sure are - just not sure in what way! 

Be kind humans.....Don't forget to be your own heroine.

Love and Peace.