The Invisibility Myth 14; Jane Fonda, Vanity & Me

Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder

➨I’ve got this quote swirling in my head from a Jane Fonda interview a couple of years ago:

 “I continued to try to be perfect on whatever level the man I was with wanted, willing to forgo emotional intimacy and betray my own body and soul if honestly speaking with my true voice might mean losing him,” she wrote. “It wasn't even that I depended on any of them financially, as many women do who turn themselves into pretzels for their men. I always supported myself.” Last week when she appeared at the 2017 Emmy Awards

 much media coverage was given to her appearance. I’ve been reading the personal comments on social media; women praising her, eviscerating her, pitying her, judging her, men being downright nasty. In response, she said that; “Men are very visual, they want young women. So, for us, it’s all about trying to stay young.”

Her cosmetic surgery, she added, had extended her acting career by a decade….The mixed messages of her words left me confused and a little bit angry for some reason - was I too guilty of judging? 

 

 ➨How does any of this help the younger generation of women and men in our lives (or indeed those of us who cannot afford, or do not want to have surgery) stay visible, relevant and empowered as they age?  Surely it’s healthier mentally and physically to learn as early as possible not to aspire to the social media driven ideal of “perfection”, but that there are an infinite variety of body shapes, sizes, looks - all of them acceptable and not to be judged?

 Should us ordinary extraordinary women, feminists, humans bear some responsibility to halt the rot?  It feels to me like a no brainer; “Y-E-S of course we should" answer.  It’s a jungle out there and it’s not as easy as you might think to throw the fuck-off switch. Our individual freedoms and choices are greater than ever, and yet I see us encouraged to believe that self-love and contentment always lies in being beckoned around an elusive, distant corner, where the surgeons knife, beauticians needle, pharmacists pills and potions expensively and dependently lurk. Such very, very frustrating and confusing messages…We golden oldies

 know there really is a fulfilling life to be had post thirty without excess self-loathing needing to be part of the deal….. 

Happy in her own adorned skin

➨Now, i’m not in Jane Fonda’s life choices league financially or globally, but my Jeanie world thoughts turned to the call I got recently, with the opportunity to bare all for a national newspaper article about women’s relationship with body image. I knew what the potential ramifications of such an in-your-face reveal could be, so although I wanted to do it for myself and for my Invisibility Myth project, I still ran it past my family. I said that if they had a problem with me doing the photo shoot, I wouldn’t go ahead.  I felt that my personal life decisions do have wider reaching consequences to my loved ones, when put out into the public arena. Their response was pride, respect and a big; go for it, but please don’t put the photos on social media!…Yes of course there will be a degree of embarrassment about Ma getting her kit off, but the overarching message of the piece (I’m trusting they won’t go for cheap sensationalism) is a disparate group of women of all ages and sizes, battling their personal body issues,  showing that taking your clothes off is a great leveller and can be pretty empowering.  And that it’s an ok thing to do. It sure is an interesting way of meeting new people, no designer labels attached and little space for shrinking violets!!! Swapping life stories in the buff with a young mother and an eighty seven year old was empowering, enlightening and hilarious.  If you are interested in the full story, it will be appearing in The Advantages of Age online magazine soon, as will the photos in a national Sunday newspaper magazine, but i’m not telling which one till i’ve seen them myself 😉….

➨ I'm offering my 61 year old words of wisdom to 79 year old Jane; Oh vanity, vanity all is vanity…You always were a beautiful, intelligent woman and I wish you had realised that when you were young…You didn’t  need to go under the knife, starve and mould yourself to what your Father led you to believe was the thing to do to be noticed.  The right sort of man would be privileged to have you in their lives, the rest are simply not worthy to worship at your (i'm sure) immaculate feet...

The Invisibility Myth 13 - Not Dead Yet Awakenings

Finally coffee was served

➨The morning ritual remains the same wherever I am - turn on BBC Radio 4 (long wave only as i'm currently in France) and make coffee.  A thirty something woman is saying she wishes she could go back in time and give her bulimic/self harming/laxative addicted young self a hug and tell her how beautiful she is, and how there was no need for all that self-loathing. Yesterday I was flicking through old issues of The Sunday Times Style magazine - June 2017 is all about fun in the sun with a colourful photo of what looks like two thirteen year old girls in bright swimwear accompanying a piece about what we ADULTS should be wearing on the beach this summer.

WTF?

These flat chested, skinny waifs pout off the page at me and I feel my irritation growing.  I continue flicking…Avocado art is on the way down apparently, but ‘porerexia’, an obsession with the size of the pores on ones face is on the up - who’d have thought either of those was a thing?

 Next up; The Changing Shape of me - from size 8 twenty something to size 18 mother. Thankfully a more uplifting story, but still riddled with angst. Next headline; Fail at breastfeeding - a woman recalls the overwhelming pressure to be a perfect mother in those first few weeks because she couldn’t produce enough milk. Over the page an M&S advertisement inviting you to “hang up, your hang ups’ whilst wearing their slimming swimwear.  All your insecurities fed off and into by the media, will momentarily vanish as you jump off that rock in your fuchsia pink (rather lush) swimming costume….as if.

I decide to gloss over the killer teens headline article and the young people claiming that Harry Potter saved their lives…..I have a quick scan of India Knight telling me it’s ok to put my life before a career - thanks for that positive affirmation India.  All these mixed messages and my coffee hasn’t even cooled down enough to drink yet…Bugger it. I’m stripping off to bake my bones in the glorious sun - stretch marks, bingo wings, gaping pores n all. It’s more life-affirming than the media, despite the skin ageing/cancer risk. At least my vitamin d levels will be topped up….

My own British Bakeoff

➨In the interest of research, I bought the first issue of a new French magazine; 50 & Plus Le Mag.

I spent ages painfully translating the articles and I found the content more uplifting and refreshing than all the English magazines I’ve been trawling whilst out here in the French countryside…On the cover is a well groomed but ‘normal' looking sixty year old French woman. The main tagline is: Le bonheur commence apres 50 ans!  With not a plastic surgery story in sight, it concentrates on the personal individual attempt to attain well being and happiness in all areas of life. We should be taking a lesson from their format…. Which has given me (via my man and yet more coffee)  a brainstorming, fizzing idea - YAY - a positive from initially negative train of thought!!!  I shall report back….

➨Is it any wonder we have lives riddled with insecurity and confusion, when this stuff can reach us even if we ignore the magazines. It sneaks into our brain subliminally via our peripheral vision on headlines and advertisement hoardings.  It is hard and sometimes isolating to keep walking to the beat of your own drum, especially as a young person when pressure is applied to be doing it all and having it all. I am aware that the same constant vigilance is needed to keep my almost 61yr old equilibrium in check as it did at 17yr when I left a toxic home to start my life adventure. I think that this well of experience good and bad is a major advantage of age, when it comes to cracking on.

➨It is with great pleasure that I can say personally I’ve found new ground to explore, a new richness and fullness to my life via the wonders of such groups as  wearingwellbeing.com, theadvantagesofage.com, the forever fierce Angie Weihs at The Ageless Rebel and the joy filled Colour Walkers of Spitalfields market and beyond. Happy day! Dipping in and out of their ‘gangs’, (I can be a little capricious in my loyalty!) hearing and sharing stories of life and loves is like a big therapy session, without any need to attach labels.

 Meeting up at events and embarking on new friendships is enriching, entertaining, questioning, challenging and FUN.  Proving It is never to late to meet new people play and work wise and experience new adventures - some of them life-changing catalysts.  

 ➨This Invisbility Myth project of mine is taking me to a whole new confident place in my life, opening doors and prompting me to re-asses and close others. There is such a wealth of talent and wisdom amongst us, the baby boomer generation, so much of it accumulated by the access we had in the 60’s and 70’s to self-determination and the road to equality.  Asking any one of the people i’ve met recently that irritating question “what do you do?” is pointless - we are all polymaths these days, with so many multiple layers determining the bigger picture of who we are. This zeitgeist movement of strong minded older people is set to grow bigger and bigger as we live on from now to somewhere in infinity.  How utterly EXCITED am I…can you tell? !!!…..

Now, what was that piece I saw about substance abuse and STI’s among the older generation?????…Yes, I really did…. 

The Invisibility Myth part 9: The canvas of my own life

➨60 years of time has slipped away, both real and imagined.  My life canvas is a work in progress, now entwined with The Invisibility Myth.  Third coffee of the day drunk and replenished. I am parked in the welcome shade of an ancient maple tree in  France, newly emerged from the blancmange-type fug that has enveloped me on and off for the past week or so. The only harassment comes from a couple of money spiders cruising around my chair, insisting on using my arms as part of their trail, oh and the occasional tortoiseshell butterfly landing on me to fan itself away from the growing heat…. 

I'm gathering my thoughts about us humans - specifically, where i'm currently at as a woman. Sorry if this all sounds a bit me, me, me, but sometimes I find it’s good to share and vent!  

➨As usual with me, the struggle is real to find a thread... 

I’m drawn to the opening line of Patti Smith’s M Train, which reads; ‘It’s not so easy writing about nothing’. Patti is not someone I would believe could ever be at a loss for words, but clearly even my heroines have creative hiccoughs and lack of direction on occasions, which is comforting music to my ears!  She writes at such times in painterly detail about the minutiae of her life:  feeding her cats, hastily dressing to walk to her preferred NYC cafe, her regular order she places of coffee, brown toast, olive oil.  So intimate it’s easy to feel that I know her.  I metaphorically walk alongside her words in M Train, a complete stranger, a voyeur observing and imagining her life.  This is what I seek and enjoy most from interaction with my fellow humans - the detail.  Honesty and detail is what I crave, my key to connecting and understanding the motivation of the extraordinary ordinary human existence.

➨I embrace every opportunity to meet new people, however i’m coming to feel that in new social situations I should wear a badge bearing the words: ‘FUCK THE SMALL TALK, SHOW ME YOUR SOUL!’  I want to know how people see and interact with the world, not just what they do as a day job climbing up the monetary greasy pole (unless it’s relevant to the conversation of course).  Bit much do you think?  Bit intimidating? Bit off-putting? I know, I know, it isn’t that easy for some people to dive straight in - but I am good at encouraging and listening, plus I am genuinely interested…..Truth is, my 60 year old self has less and less tolerance of every day, barely polite small talk, but my interest in observing and endeavouring to understand us humans is growing.  Please, please forgive me. Cut me some aged-related slack, I cannot help it if my mind wanders off when faced with polite insincerity, thinking about my next man and dog/cat snuggle with coffee or vodka and tonic  in hand…(hmmm-mint/cucumber or citron garnish?) ...  Bombard me with a bit of the real, unexpurgated ‘real you’ and you will have my undivided attention!!

➨The reverse dilemma is the internal agony I experience when a new acquaintance asks me the standard, stock question; “And what do you do?”…

Well, how long have you got? We are talking sixty years here after all... 

Past?  Present?  Future?.. 

Do you really give a rats arse?..

Sometimes there’s a sense that I have only a couple of minutes max to hit the right chord, before the questioner glazes over, starts to panic and their eyes wander round the room for a get-out-of-jail-free card! Not everybody wants to have a real conversation straight off the bat it seems…

In my twenties this would have bothered me.  Now I find I am either indifferent or vaguely irritated…

➨According to marketing agency SuperHuman - yes marketing - you know, the business that is paid to tell us what we already know we are doing/feeling, but want to see what field of monetary exploitation is to be had from us,  found in a study of 500 women that 80 per cent felt society’s assumptions about middle aged women do not represent how they live their lives, but while older celebrities and models are more visible than ever before in adverts, older women in general still feel ignored……..At odds with the same article that labels us no-age barrier 'Perennials who are ever blooming, relevant people of all ages who know what’s happening in the world, stay current with technology and have friends of all ages. We are involved, curious mentors of others, who are passionate, compassionate, creative, confident, collaborative, global-minded risk takers.’  WOW - aren’t we the awesomest! Now, this is worth a chewing over don’t you think?…..Any takers?  Or are you glazing over in a confused mind-fuck of mixed messages?  Does this wanting to get straight to the things that matter to me make me a body-swerve sort of guest?  Should we of a certain age be content with conversing about that magnificent obsession of oldies past of death, disease and the lavatory? Or should I just shut the **ck up?  Yeah but no but, that isn't going to happen with my generation...  I think we all need to get out and shout our lack of invisibility more and more in the interests of research and clarification…..

➨Truth to tell, the reason for this particular outpouring,  is that I have been spending way too much time beside hospital beds in the past year.  The hours/days i’ve spent observing and listening to the comings and goings in A & E and Elderly Care Wards, has galvanised my awareness of making the most of what is important to me while I am able.  My accumulated passions and beliefs matter to me, as does leaving behind a truthful, honest legacy of who and what I am. I feel the need to bathe in joy and soak away the pain whenever possible between now and - frankly, who knows when.

➨Right, who is inviting me my big heart and opinionated gob round to theirs for a chin-wag then?💋

A la carte approach to reality. The Invisibility Myth part 6

  

➨After riding on a mini wave of joy at having a little article about The Invisibility Myth published in a brilliant online magazine: The Advantages of Age, http://advantagesofage.com/60-visible-fuck-invisibility-myth/ this past week could have been a ‘meh’ kind of time, as I went a bit off the creative boil.  Instead I have filled the time with masses of necessary, long abandoned (*resentful) practicality (*sighs).  Much more importantly, i've also taken some time to spend simply hanging with my friends. My saviours, my cheerleaders, my gang.  The people I can be ‘me’ with. The people who keep me grounded and uplifted and who are not afraid to tell it like it is, who care to come find me when i’m lost. Without them I would not be the whole person I am today. Experience has shown me that there are many different ‘chapters’ within my ever evolving gang;-

Advantages of Age article.

  ➨ The core group going waaaay back in time.  They have long dispersed around the globe following their own adventures, but when we find ourselves on each others shores and our paths cross for delicious, snatched catch-up times there is an unbreakable bond of shared history. 

   ➨There are the friends and neighbours local to where I live, who are like extended family with whom I trust the daily internal machinations of my crazy life and emotional ups and downs.  The ones I know I can call in the middle of the night for help and they are knocking on my door before I have finished my sentence.

   ➨The ones who are like the social butterflies in my life, who flit in and out and are always entertaining and uplifting.  They leave me feeling so enriched by having been in their presence, whilst often having no idea when or where I will see them again, but I kinda know I will, and there is a comfort and mutual understanding within this, that is good enough.

  ➨ The new blood; people I randomly connect with when socialising or travelling. I love the exciting injection of ideas, challenges, concepts, possibilities. The frisson of new relationships extending into the future, working with the theory that less is dull, more is always good. An intense exchange during a journey can be strangely enlightening and enriching, even though I will never see that person again. I think it’s a need for human connection kinda thang within me…..

   ➨ My Famalam.  The reason I breathe.

   ➨Last, and least; the frenemies, that you eject asap…Nuff said.

    ➨Against the aforementioned backdrop of self-imposed but productive creativity, gossip and general displacement activity, (I am uber good at the gd activity-I would venture to say I am a perfectionist) I have been waiting for feedback and - ahem - dare I say it - support from the commercial sector with whom I occasionally rub shoulders.  The photo shoot I documented in a previous posting has fizzled.  The enthusiastic and sincere promises made to me on that mid-March day-ones I was at pains to tell the company concerned, I was not originally seeking out, have not yet been realised.  In fact, until I emailed to ask what was happening with my account, there had been zero communication.  I was asked to contact them for an ‘aftercare telephone appointment’, which I duly did and had no reply….OK, this photo shoot was not for my chosen career path and was originally undertaken as research for my book The Invisibility Myth, but really, how cynical it is to have been sold a potential lie, instead of the unvarnished truth.

I made the decision to be honest and transparent on that day, and they acted like they loved the Invisibility concept. How bugging to feel the sting of disappointment - even if I wasn’t  seeking what they offered anyway…On the plus side, I have a brilliant set of professional photos for my own publicity use, so the cup is overall half-full. In order to keep up, you may have to read previous posts for clarity!  I am not good in defeat, even though I am always determined to rise above it, but will never accept a a la carte approach to reality in any sector of my life…Acting with honour is a biggie with me, and I expect - nay demand it in return…

  ➨Hearing Rudyard Kipling in my head...you can just If off Sir!!!!!!!:-

If you can keep your head when all about you   

    Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,   

If you can trust yourself when all (wo)men doubt you, 

    But make allowance for their doubting too;   

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, 

    Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies, 

Or being hated, don’t give way to hating, 

    And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise: 

If you can dream—and not make dreams your (mistress)master;   

    If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;   

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster 

    And treat those two impostors just the same;   

If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken 

    Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, 

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken, 

    And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools: 

If you can make one heap of all your winnings 

    And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss, 

And lose, and start again at your beginnings 

    And never breathe a word about your loss; 

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew 

    To serve your turn long after they are gone,   

And so hold on when there is nothing in you 

    Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’ 

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,   

    Or walk with Kings(Queens)—nor lose the common touch, 

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you, 

    If all (wo)men count with you, but none too much; 

If you can fill the unforgiving minute 

    With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,   

Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,   

    And—which is more—you’ll be a (Wo)Man, my (daughter)son

   ➨Yeah right - idealised, neat theory.  All this serves to do is make me stay focused and be extra sparkly, with a mere hint, a mere drizzle of irritation creeping around the periphery. 

   ➨Much better to mutter the following while licking my (very small) wound:-

💜You torment yourself wondering

 how they could not love your

 Burning heart 

and the answer is darling,

You are not the star

you thought you were

You are the fucking universe

and not everyone is an astronaut.💜

   ➨Hell-to-the-yesssssss.  No idea who to credit for these fine words, but it lifts me right back up to fly with the eagles…..Golden ones naturally, sipping fizz and dancing the Watusi before takeoff.

   ➨Anyhow, in the great scheme of my Invisibility Myth theory, does this little knock back make me feel invisible? No. Not even on a bad day.  It reminds me that shit happens. Would it make you feel invisible?  I hope not. This colourful life needs your smiles.

   ➨Oh yeah, not long till my website will be running, so I can share all the wonderful stories and photos i'm gathering.  It would appear that I am in the very zeitgeist of a new movement. 

   ➨Think I need to stop now….

💜Peace and Loveage Beautiful Humans.💜

What unadorned, sun kissed 60 really looks like!

A friend describes Jeanie as an adventurer of the heart and mind. A 60 year old with a lust for life, she is a mother, decorative artist, designer, traveller, Airbnb host and ex-restaurateur. Currently she is studying a Humanities Degree, having self-educated since leaving school at 16 and working on a book; The Invisibility Myth, exploring how extraordinary ordinary older women see themselves in the 21st century. 

She lives in West London and France with her husband, boomeranging children and a variety of other animals.

Chairman Jeanie philosophy