The Invisibility Myth 13 - Not Dead Yet Awakenings

Finally coffee was served

➨The morning ritual remains the same wherever I am - turn on BBC Radio 4 (long wave only as i'm currently in France) and make coffee.  A thirty something woman is saying she wishes she could go back in time and give her bulimic/self harming/laxative addicted young self a hug and tell her how beautiful she is, and how there was no need for all that self-loathing. Yesterday I was flicking through old issues of The Sunday Times Style magazine - June 2017 is all about fun in the sun with a colourful photo of what looks like two thirteen year old girls in bright swimwear accompanying a piece about what we ADULTS should be wearing on the beach this summer.

WTF?

These flat chested, skinny waifs pout off the page at me and I feel my irritation growing.  I continue flicking…Avocado art is on the way down apparently, but ‘porerexia’, an obsession with the size of the pores on ones face is on the up - who’d have thought either of those was a thing?

 Next up; The Changing Shape of me - from size 8 twenty something to size 18 mother. Thankfully a more uplifting story, but still riddled with angst. Next headline; Fail at breastfeeding - a woman recalls the overwhelming pressure to be a perfect mother in those first few weeks because she couldn’t produce enough milk. Over the page an M&S advertisement inviting you to “hang up, your hang ups’ whilst wearing their slimming swimwear.  All your insecurities fed off and into by the media, will momentarily vanish as you jump off that rock in your fuchsia pink (rather lush) swimming costume….as if.

I decide to gloss over the killer teens headline article and the young people claiming that Harry Potter saved their lives…..I have a quick scan of India Knight telling me it’s ok to put my life before a career - thanks for that positive affirmation India.  All these mixed messages and my coffee hasn’t even cooled down enough to drink yet…Bugger it. I’m stripping off to bake my bones in the glorious sun - stretch marks, bingo wings, gaping pores n all. It’s more life-affirming than the media, despite the skin ageing/cancer risk. At least my vitamin d levels will be topped up….

My own British Bakeoff

➨In the interest of research, I bought the first issue of a new French magazine; 50 & Plus Le Mag.

I spent ages painfully translating the articles and I found the content more uplifting and refreshing than all the English magazines I’ve been trawling whilst out here in the French countryside…On the cover is a well groomed but ‘normal' looking sixty year old French woman. The main tagline is: Le bonheur commence apres 50 ans!  With not a plastic surgery story in sight, it concentrates on the personal individual attempt to attain well being and happiness in all areas of life. We should be taking a lesson from their format…. Which has given me (via my man and yet more coffee)  a brainstorming, fizzing idea - YAY - a positive from initially negative train of thought!!!  I shall report back….

➨Is it any wonder we have lives riddled with insecurity and confusion, when this stuff can reach us even if we ignore the magazines. It sneaks into our brain subliminally via our peripheral vision on headlines and advertisement hoardings.  It is hard and sometimes isolating to keep walking to the beat of your own drum, especially as a young person when pressure is applied to be doing it all and having it all. I am aware that the same constant vigilance is needed to keep my almost 61yr old equilibrium in check as it did at 17yr when I left a toxic home to start my life adventure. I think that this well of experience good and bad is a major advantage of age, when it comes to cracking on.

➨It is with great pleasure that I can say personally I’ve found new ground to explore, a new richness and fullness to my life via the wonders of such groups as  wearingwellbeing.com, theadvantagesofage.com, the forever fierce Angie Weihs at The Ageless Rebel and the joy filled Colour Walkers of Spitalfields market and beyond. Happy day! Dipping in and out of their ‘gangs’, (I can be a little capricious in my loyalty!) hearing and sharing stories of life and loves is like a big therapy session, without any need to attach labels.

 Meeting up at events and embarking on new friendships is enriching, entertaining, questioning, challenging and FUN.  Proving It is never to late to meet new people play and work wise and experience new adventures - some of them life-changing catalysts.  

 ➨This Invisbility Myth project of mine is taking me to a whole new confident place in my life, opening doors and prompting me to re-asses and close others. There is such a wealth of talent and wisdom amongst us, the baby boomer generation, so much of it accumulated by the access we had in the 60’s and 70’s to self-determination and the road to equality.  Asking any one of the people i’ve met recently that irritating question “what do you do?” is pointless - we are all polymaths these days, with so many multiple layers determining the bigger picture of who we are. This zeitgeist movement of strong minded older people is set to grow bigger and bigger as we live on from now to somewhere in infinity.  How utterly EXCITED am I…can you tell? !!!…..

Now, what was that piece I saw about substance abuse and STI’s among the older generation?????…Yes, I really did…. 

The Invisibility Myth part 12 - Failed Samaritan moi?

➨Negative language is never helpful in the quest for self - no shit Sherlock. For me it's been a personal learning curve that’s lasted many years and led to more self-flagellation than I would freely admit to...I don't find masochism a pleasurable experience. 

➨On a wet Monday morning recently a 1991 life memory came to me, which started a whole train of initially negative language and thinking:

  

I was 34, newly married, new baby, new life, new me. I decided I wanted to be a Samaritan, so I signed up for the in-house training sessions. I fail the final test. It never occurred to me that I would…  Apparently I sounded bored on the telephone and even though I was great with the face to face stuff (actors acting out grim scenarios) my phone voice sounded bored. I did feel it was a tad judgmental as you can only get so much nuance into the words: “Samaritans how can I help you”, but rules is rules I suppose. 

➨Before I had given birth I had signed up to start an Environmental Studies Degree. Three assignments in and I dissolved into a pile of blubbering snotty tears having to admit that I couldn’t  deal with the enforced loss of my previous business, a new life, a new baby, and a degree.

That word - fail niggled away at my self-worth. Was this altogether remotely surprising, unexpected or unusual? No of course not, but it didn’t stop me beating myself up.

➨Ten months after giving birth I enrolled on a business development course and used as my small business concept the idea of frozen fresh, organic baby food.  The working title was Baby Organix - at a time when fresh frozen food for babies was unheard of. Did I follow through past the development, drawing up a profit/loss account stage? Nope. A few months later the trend for this kind of product took off big time, making the few who followed through gazillionaires. Oh well, fail again. Reality check - could I/would I/did I want to spend 23 hours a day making it work? No I didn’t, because what I really wanted to do was learn how to be a good enough mother.  At that point in my life I was competing with myself to prove that I could do it all, have it all, be it all, with babe in arms. Zap, Bang, Pow, Frickin Wonder Woman...

➨I was so desperate to contribute a little financially that I often failed to benefit from living in the moment. This continued even after having my second child. Most of my peers had returned to their former careers, leaving me with the impression of being the most invisible and insecure I have ever felt in my life. Then, after years of volunteering in various capacities other than The Samaritans, taking odd jobs here and there to pay for holidays and extras, my man often working away from home leaving me to juggle with the parenting thing, what is now recognised as the peri-menopause kicked in and robbed me of my forties. What a shame I didn’t know what I know now: Motherhood was actually the unravelling and re-making of me on a deep, profound level. My own re-birth of sorts. Instead, many things physical, mental, real and imagined froze my development and sense of self. Flipping hormones were on overdrive, a runaway train driving me into uncharted territory. Lordy it was horrible - like the worst bits of being a teenager all over again, with responsibility...

➨At the age of 50 the fog palpably lifted, albeit with the welcome help of hormone patches! I finally came alive again and things started to make sense.  My confidence returned, the anxiety departed and I felt like a newly emerged version of my old self, the me who was comfortable - even proud of the successes and failures in my life. I felt liberated, strong and in my prime. It’s that literal and metaphorical carrying of scars thing;  they show you have survived, which is an incredibly empowering and comforting realisation. I could see the short periods I now have of negative thinking as another fail, but the enlightened me sees it as a necessary part of the journey - one side of the coin.  To dwell too long on the darker moments without at least finding personal growth from it would be a sad waste.

 ➨I currently have two years of a Humanities Degree completed with really good marks, I am totally committed to my new project The Invisibility Myth, a topic which perfectly encompasses and embraces my life journey and experience. I’m meeting amazing people through the wonders of Instagram and being an Airbnb host.  My man and I are spending more time as a couple once more and this means working positively around and along with the various health issues that age has sprung upon us.  Re-connecting with one another and returning to our love of  global wandering, going to gigs, drinking coffee together and binge watching Netflix series is somewhat different from our young life together, but not in a negative way. My wonderful family are now mainly happy and self-reliant, off writing their own life scripts, so it is time to give myself permission to pursue my creativity without boundaries... No such word to me now as fail - by eventually  selecting the right attitude, I have been able to change my perceptions, not only for myself, but also to help empower and bring out the best in others, which is in and of itself a source of great satisfaction and pleasure. Learning, learning, learning.  This week it's been about wearing well being - a whole new, colourful and enlightening experience! 

Cue WhatsApp message from Fam member asking whats for supper, another asking whats happening with the Chrismukkah family play; Macbeth the Musical (don’t ask),  the Airbnb guest politely pointing out that her bed has sagged in one corner, closely followed by pooch yakking up, tyre going flat on car and the kitchen roof springing a leak in the August rain. Hmm, think I may need staff and a bit of positive affirmation...Practice what you preach woman...

The Invisibility Myth part 7 - Warrior Women!

                                                         💫We are Warrior Women!💫

A Lesson in whipping technique - as you do......

  ➨"This is an emerging generation unlike any in history.  Not only is it the wealthiest and the most storied, it is also the first generation to reach mid-life and believe that they are only half way though”

David Harry Stewart, Ageist.   

YES WE ARE! 

  ➨ I have been contacting people all over the global village, asking them to answer the same dozen life questions I have carefully crafted for my Invisibility Myth project.  Most of the women are unknown to me, other than by their Instagram feeds, word of mouth, or contacts via friends and family. As the responses ping into my inbox, I realise what a huge leap of faith and trust I am expecting from these women.  My goodness, what warrior’s!!! 

➨Their answers have been nakedly honest and give hints to what adversity they have been through in their lives in order to arrive at where they are post fifty.   I am in awe observing these ordinary extraordinary women simply cracking on with their multi-tasking lives.  Seeing their positivity and willingness to embrace so much more in mid-life than our grandparents generation did in their entire lives. I am witnessing the variety of indomitable strength of character and humour shining through each and every set of answers. I am really excited at the prospect of sharing them on my website: theinvisibilitymyth.com very soon now, so that I can add to the debate of the mid life invisibility theory….

  ➨ I suddenly realised that I haven’t answered the questions myself that I have been posting to other women. I have now, and by so doing I am aware how different those questions look from the perspective of interviewee rather than interviewer.  To be honest I found out a couple of well buried things about myself. By letting my responses flow from my heart, stuff came through that I was unaware of feeling in any depth. It proves (if indeed it needs to be) that we are never to old to learn, especially about ourselves……..

 

Interesting comment

     ➨I spend a lot of time at the moment on social media, in the interests of *coughs* - research…Yeah, like its not my daily/nightly obsession anyway….So, I took a momentary pause for thought after reading  this interesting ladies’ Lifestyle blog; thebarefacedchic.co.uk  Cardiff based Michelle Lyndon-Dykes wonders in her ‘Are all bloggers turning into a cliche?’ post, whether we are effectively slaves to the machine driving algorhythms feeding us what they think we like. According to the media, marketing companies know us better than we know ourselves…… I concluded that I have made connections with such a diverse range of people of all ages and cultural backgrounds through my IG likes, and that any common obsessions are what provide that initial connection.  Michelle says; ‘It’s surely how we present these things (we have in common) rather than the act of participation that makes us unique.’…. Beyond that, we ladies of ripe age are such an individual and feisty bunch, I would not DARE to  suggest the word cliche - or indeed, the topic of my book - invisibility, without hearing screams of righteous indignation and derision spinning around the planet! 

                                                    💋 Shine on Luscious Ripe Ladies💋

The Invisibility Myth part 5-Be the heroine of your own adventure

➨I am more & more aware that soon we will be the elder states persons in our lives…

  ➨ So, my project is gathering momentum.  I had the honour of doing the first, virgin fresh interview for my fledgling book; The Invisibility Myth the other day. I deliberately sought out someone I had no history with, a new friend (as I now like to think of her), so I had no pre-conceived notions of what she would say to me.

   ➨London that day was sporting a spectacular coat of spring blossom, full of optimism and possibility, which perfectly echoed my mood. I was en route from the west to the north side of town, to meet ‘C’ as I will call her for now.  A wonderful woman who will be 63years old this year, so well within my chosen demographic for research.  She is brim full of vim and vigor, honesty, opinions, wisdom, insight, creativity. Getting on with being the heroine in her own life;

Unapologetically the sum of her accumulated years of experience;  an ever evolving kaleidoscope of a life lived and living in colour,  with few shades of grey.  During the interview, as she referenced a time when a number of people she was close to had passed away, she said the words; ‘I was surrounded by more ghosts than people’,….WOWSA ….It started me thinking that soon WE who still consider ourselves (in our heads)  to be youthful and with so much yet to say/do/be, will inevitably have to take on the crown of the elder states persons in our own lives.  A sobering thought. I’m not yet ready for this, I don’t feel old, wise or mature enough!  

   ➨As I record ‘C’ picking out questions from my list to answer, it becomes abundantly clear to me that there is no singular experience of all women. We assume so many roles in our individual lives, but perhaps the most important role we play is  that of nurturing empowerment in other women to do/be/evolve into what best suits them.  We also have a wider responsibility to the tender young women in our lives. So much of my dialogue with ‘C’ revolved around these topics.

 We should fill them with positive affirmation and assurance that it will all be ok, because despite all that has happened to us - the older women - in our individual life adventures, we have survived. The future will be chock full of possibilities for them, despite all those insecurities being driven by crazy hormones.  I am reminded of Caitlin Moran’s  heartbreaking open letter to the young women she encounters at her book signings, its from her book; Moranifesto.  I’m picking out a tiny quote:-  “Know that you were not born scared and self-loathing and overwhelmed. Things have been done - which means things can be undone.  It is hard work. But what you must do right now, and for the rest of your life, is learn how to build a girl. You.”……

The full piece catapulted me back to my own youth - the conflicting feelings and emotional insecurities.  The promise I made to myself to always remember those physical feelings, even though the detail would be lost in time, so that I could support others. I laugh to myself when I think how badly as an adult I dealt with some of the more extreme teen behaviour of my own offspring….My excuse being that I was peri-menopausal at the time…….Oh well, we are human after all…… 

   ➨We grow, we bloom, absorbing what is around us.  We keep on blooming - or should do - until we complete the cycle of life/death/rebirth and embark on the next adventure.  I don’t know about you, but this thought has sure as hell comforted me in my ‘dark night of the soul’ moments…..Still does.

 ➨Recently, I paused my day of to chat with two old guys - ordinary, extraordinary elders from my London street.

They were born in 1933 and 1929, making them 84 and 88 years old and they always, always have great life affirming stories to share.  The younger one was having difficulty remembering  details, but the other is as active mentally and physically (within reason- he is older than god!) as he always has been.

Guyanese Eric and Jessica Huntley  founded a radical publishing business called The Bogle L’Ouverture Press in 1968 from their house, which is only slightly quieter now that Jessica his beloved wife has passed away.  Life was anything but easy for them back in 1970’s London when they arrived separately to pursue their passion. The title of their autobiography; “Doing Nothing is Not an Option” says it all about their life principle. Their home is a revolving door of people of all ages and races seeking out the company of Jessica and Eric, wanting to be inspired by their stories and wisdom.  Go to’s for advice, education, comfort and occasionally a good telling off! To me they are icons of their age. The epitome of the “extraordinary ordinary”.  My life is undoubtedly enriched from having them as neighbours and friends.  I must ask them who they look up to……

    ➨Apropo of nothing in particular, my man was 59 a few days ago. I will be 61 this year…..

Am I/we ready to grow up and be elder states persons?  Not really.

Am I/we wiser?  A bit, not much.

Am i/we evolving?  Sure are - just not sure in what way! 

Be kind humans.....Don't forget to be your own heroine.

Love and Peace.

The Invisibility Myth Part 3

❤....Another day another altered state. The mind blows so many emotions around in a tornado of challenges. Who is this person looking back at my stripped bare face from the steam clouded mirror in the bathroom, hair on end, the errant remains of yesterdays makeup smeared down my face?....I kind of know her….Been kicking around since oooh 1956...

➨Face says 60.

➨Brain says 30.

The battle rages - Not between me and my brain, I know myself, there are no more illusions - but between me and the media image of my 60 year old self.  I’m thinking of a few poster queens: The surgically enhanced, photo-shopped Kardashianesque types.  The Theresa May school prefect and captain of the hockey team, glass ceiling busting hard-arse types.  The actress/musician/model verbalising their mid-life crises by bemoaning the lack of roles for older women, whilst nip/tucking/lifting/botoxing to ridiculous extremes.  Is this really something we want to aspire to in order to be visible? I personally try to venture out without being hyper-aware of my age and just approach the world with an open mind and heart. I endeavor to out manoeuvre the script dictators and stick to dancing to the soundtrack of my own life, continue to evolve from within my chosen colourful tribe. It’s fun to dress up, make the most of myself and promenade like the exotic, wisdom filled old bird I like to think I am. I strive to encourage and empower everyone I encounter to stop making excuses and say yes, yes, YES, rather than 'no' or 'maybe' whenever the opportunity arises to have fun.

Spitalfields Colour walk with an awesome bunch of creative people..

❤I’m convinced that we are more interested in seeing and being inspired by examples to emulate, from the ordinary extraordinary non-celeb older women who, like me, have been cracking on with this life thing since time.  After all, we are freer to do so than at any other time in our history.  We have been messily attempting and succeeding in doing it our own way, since we were old enough to customise our school uniforms and forge a fake ID, and the stories are often comedy gold….and lets not forget, laughter and sex is good for the health!

❤So what keeps us in the closet?

Who says we vanish from view post 50?

❤We simply don’t.  It just suits a whole load of other people’s agendas, when and if we buy into the hype that spawns a whole industry of pills, potions, surgery and dependence. Regardless of age or sex, one can find a virtually inexhaustible supply of people who will be happy to make you feel badly about yourself if you let them. Why would we give anyone that much power over us?

❤The mainstream media/advertising industry, for some reason are failing to see the rising tide of a more visible than ever generation of older women.  Once they believe that it's financially advantageous to promote a positive image of us golden oldies - BOOM – we will go public in a big and hopefully enlightened way.  The current refusal to acknowledge the worth, beauty and sexuality of us post-menopausal women is their financial loss in my opinion. There is nothing stopping a revolutionary shift in mainstream exposure other than our demanding of it – if indeed that is what we do want. We are free and empowered to make those choices.

❤In the interests of research, I impetuously filled in an online advertisement for models of all ages and sizes required. I was confident in my belief that when they saw my age and photo they would not get back to me.  They did.  Eek. I decided to be truthful with the phone interviewer about my motivation - ie; seeking research material to prove my invisibility and the media theory for my book; The Invisibility Myth.  Surprisingly, amusingly gob-smacked, I am invited in for a photo shoot.  Double eek!

Showered, blank canvas - ish.....

❤Sooooo,  yesterday I rocked up at the photographic studio in Marylebone, London.  Fresh faced as requested (apart from my lippy – I feel naked without it!), with a suitcase full of “looks” trawled from my wardrobe for potential portfolio/agency photographs.  You know what? Not going to lie, I had a blast, despite my reservations.  Oh the joy of having someone else do the hair, the makeup.... the preening!  The only vaguely uncomfortable moment was having my waist size taken (no comment!).  I have posted some of the un-retouched photos on this blog, because I am proud of the me they show. Plus, the opportunity it afforded me, to chat to the young women who work there and those coming and going, about research for my book, and experience the less than glam reality of the selection process of potential models from 3 to 60, was both fascinating and enlightening. 

I have never looked this glam!

I felt nothing but huge respect for the courage and determination of young people who decide that a career in the media spotlight is their calling in life.  My own agenda was different, therefore being seen as a potential older model at the end of the shoot was an amusing and unexpected bonus. When and if, the agency concerned actually translates what happened with me yesterday into paying work, we shall see.  I shall look past any hype and have fodder for my book regardless.  Yesterday’s shenanigans may see my un-botoxed, unsnapped and nipped 60 year old face and body off on a whole new adventure, pioneering the glam older woman look into a more mainstream acceptance – squee!!!  Who knows? Stranger things have happened.

The gold shoes had another outing...

❤Just call me Helen for now – that’s Helen Mirren – Now THERE'S a glam babe….But she’s mainstream, therefore outside my chosen remit….

However, if anyone fancies making a film of my life, I always wanted her to play me…..in the absence of the real me of course .... And quite honestly that real me ain't aiming on going anywhere invisible in the foreseeable future...Accompanied by my freedom pass of course... 

                                                   💋I am ever the optimist.💋

                                                           Love in abundance.