The Invisibility Myth 14; Jane Fonda, Vanity & Me

Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder

➨I’ve got this quote swirling in my head from a Jane Fonda interview a couple of years ago:

 “I continued to try to be perfect on whatever level the man I was with wanted, willing to forgo emotional intimacy and betray my own body and soul if honestly speaking with my true voice might mean losing him,” she wrote. “It wasn't even that I depended on any of them financially, as many women do who turn themselves into pretzels for their men. I always supported myself.” Last week when she appeared at the 2017 Emmy Awards

 much media coverage was given to her appearance. I’ve been reading the personal comments on social media; women praising her, eviscerating her, pitying her, judging her, men being downright nasty. In response, she said that; “Men are very visual, they want young women. So, for us, it’s all about trying to stay young.”

Her cosmetic surgery, she added, had extended her acting career by a decade….The mixed messages of her words left me confused and a little bit angry for some reason - was I too guilty of judging? 

 

 ➨How does any of this help the younger generation of women and men in our lives (or indeed those of us who cannot afford, or do not want to have surgery) stay visible, relevant and empowered as they age?  Surely it’s healthier mentally and physically to learn as early as possible not to aspire to the social media driven ideal of “perfection”, but that there are an infinite variety of body shapes, sizes, looks - all of them acceptable and not to be judged?

 Should us ordinary extraordinary women, feminists, humans bear some responsibility to halt the rot?  It feels to me like a no brainer; “Y-E-S of course we should" answer.  It’s a jungle out there and it’s not as easy as you might think to throw the fuck-off switch. Our individual freedoms and choices are greater than ever, and yet I see us encouraged to believe that self-love and contentment always lies in being beckoned around an elusive, distant corner, where the surgeons knife, beauticians needle, pharmacists pills and potions expensively and dependently lurk. Such very, very frustrating and confusing messages…We golden oldies

 know there really is a fulfilling life to be had post thirty without excess self-loathing needing to be part of the deal….. 

Happy in her own adorned skin

➨Now, i’m not in Jane Fonda’s life choices league financially or globally, but my Jeanie world thoughts turned to the call I got recently, with the opportunity to bare all for a national newspaper article about women’s relationship with body image. I knew what the potential ramifications of such an in-your-face reveal could be, so although I wanted to do it for myself and for my Invisibility Myth project, I still ran it past my family. I said that if they had a problem with me doing the photo shoot, I wouldn’t go ahead.  I felt that my personal life decisions do have wider reaching consequences to my loved ones, when put out into the public arena. Their response was pride, respect and a big; go for it, but please don’t put the photos on social media!…Yes of course there will be a degree of embarrassment about Ma getting her kit off, but the overarching message of the piece (I’m trusting they won’t go for cheap sensationalism) is a disparate group of women of all ages and sizes, battling their personal body issues,  showing that taking your clothes off is a great leveller and can be pretty empowering.  And that it’s an ok thing to do. It sure is an interesting way of meeting new people, no designer labels attached and little space for shrinking violets!!! Swapping life stories in the buff with a young mother and an eighty seven year old was empowering, enlightening and hilarious.  If you are interested in the full story, it will be appearing in The Advantages of Age online magazine soon, as will the photos in a national Sunday newspaper magazine, but i’m not telling which one till i’ve seen them myself 😉….

➨ I'm offering my 61 year old words of wisdom to 79 year old Jane; Oh vanity, vanity all is vanity…You always were a beautiful, intelligent woman and I wish you had realised that when you were young…You didn’t  need to go under the knife, starve and mould yourself to what your Father led you to believe was the thing to do to be noticed.  The right sort of man would be privileged to have you in their lives, the rest are simply not worthy to worship at your (i'm sure) immaculate feet...

The Invisibility Myth part 12 - Failed Samaritan moi?

➨Negative language is never helpful in the quest for self - no shit Sherlock. For me it's been a personal learning curve that’s lasted many years and led to more self-flagellation than I would freely admit to...I don't find masochism a pleasurable experience. 

➨On a wet Monday morning recently a 1991 life memory came to me, which started a whole train of initially negative language and thinking:

  

I was 34, newly married, new baby, new life, new me. I decided I wanted to be a Samaritan, so I signed up for the in-house training sessions. I fail the final test. It never occurred to me that I would…  Apparently I sounded bored on the telephone and even though I was great with the face to face stuff (actors acting out grim scenarios) my phone voice sounded bored. I did feel it was a tad judgmental as you can only get so much nuance into the words: “Samaritans how can I help you”, but rules is rules I suppose. 

➨Before I had given birth I had signed up to start an Environmental Studies Degree. Three assignments in and I dissolved into a pile of blubbering snotty tears having to admit that I couldn’t  deal with the enforced loss of my previous business, a new life, a new baby, and a degree.

That word - fail niggled away at my self-worth. Was this altogether remotely surprising, unexpected or unusual? No of course not, but it didn’t stop me beating myself up.

➨Ten months after giving birth I enrolled on a business development course and used as my small business concept the idea of frozen fresh, organic baby food.  The working title was Baby Organix - at a time when fresh frozen food for babies was unheard of. Did I follow through past the development, drawing up a profit/loss account stage? Nope. A few months later the trend for this kind of product took off big time, making the few who followed through gazillionaires. Oh well, fail again. Reality check - could I/would I/did I want to spend 23 hours a day making it work? No I didn’t, because what I really wanted to do was learn how to be a good enough mother.  At that point in my life I was competing with myself to prove that I could do it all, have it all, be it all, with babe in arms. Zap, Bang, Pow, Frickin Wonder Woman...

➨I was so desperate to contribute a little financially that I often failed to benefit from living in the moment. This continued even after having my second child. Most of my peers had returned to their former careers, leaving me with the impression of being the most invisible and insecure I have ever felt in my life. Then, after years of volunteering in various capacities other than The Samaritans, taking odd jobs here and there to pay for holidays and extras, my man often working away from home leaving me to juggle with the parenting thing, what is now recognised as the peri-menopause kicked in and robbed me of my forties. What a shame I didn’t know what I know now: Motherhood was actually the unravelling and re-making of me on a deep, profound level. My own re-birth of sorts. Instead, many things physical, mental, real and imagined froze my development and sense of self. Flipping hormones were on overdrive, a runaway train driving me into uncharted territory. Lordy it was horrible - like the worst bits of being a teenager all over again, with responsibility...

➨At the age of 50 the fog palpably lifted, albeit with the welcome help of hormone patches! I finally came alive again and things started to make sense.  My confidence returned, the anxiety departed and I felt like a newly emerged version of my old self, the me who was comfortable - even proud of the successes and failures in my life. I felt liberated, strong and in my prime. It’s that literal and metaphorical carrying of scars thing;  they show you have survived, which is an incredibly empowering and comforting realisation. I could see the short periods I now have of negative thinking as another fail, but the enlightened me sees it as a necessary part of the journey - one side of the coin.  To dwell too long on the darker moments without at least finding personal growth from it would be a sad waste.

 ➨I currently have two years of a Humanities Degree completed with really good marks, I am totally committed to my new project The Invisibility Myth, a topic which perfectly encompasses and embraces my life journey and experience. I’m meeting amazing people through the wonders of Instagram and being an Airbnb host.  My man and I are spending more time as a couple once more and this means working positively around and along with the various health issues that age has sprung upon us.  Re-connecting with one another and returning to our love of  global wandering, going to gigs, drinking coffee together and binge watching Netflix series is somewhat different from our young life together, but not in a negative way. My wonderful family are now mainly happy and self-reliant, off writing their own life scripts, so it is time to give myself permission to pursue my creativity without boundaries... No such word to me now as fail - by eventually  selecting the right attitude, I have been able to change my perceptions, not only for myself, but also to help empower and bring out the best in others, which is in and of itself a source of great satisfaction and pleasure. Learning, learning, learning.  This week it's been about wearing well being - a whole new, colourful and enlightening experience! 

Cue WhatsApp message from Fam member asking whats for supper, another asking whats happening with the Chrismukkah family play; Macbeth the Musical (don’t ask),  the Airbnb guest politely pointing out that her bed has sagged in one corner, closely followed by pooch yakking up, tyre going flat on car and the kitchen roof springing a leak in the August rain. Hmm, think I may need staff and a bit of positive affirmation...Practice what you preach woman...

The Invisibility Myth part 11: Coffin Dodgers Bus Tour

Advantages of Age Bus Tour. Photo Elainea Emmott

“Excuse me love - are you on the coffin dodgers bus too? Says the pink haired lady with a rubber duck headress… I have arrived at Sloane Square London and it is buzzing with exuberant self-expression and colour. The Advantages of Age dynamic duo of  Rose Rouse and Suzanne Noble

Suzanne Noble. Photo:Elainea Emmott

Rose Rouse. Photo: Elainea Emmott

have got together this event funded by The Arts Council held atop a vintage London Routemaster Bus. Us folk are invited to celebrate what it is to be from the baby boomer generation. Oh what a joyous life-affirming ‘OutAgeous’ sight greeted my arrival; Flamboyant Ladies and a spattering of Chaps 40-80 years young, dressed to thrill, draw attention, be visible, connect, make new friends, greet old ones, grow empowered.  Rose and Suzanne are the vanguards of a zeitgeist global movement of ordinary extraordinary older people who are showing that there is no time between now and infinity to waste with your feet up. Rose and Suzanne - you Ladies sure do lead by example!

 Worlds End

the invisibility myth

I dug out this photo of my East London Grandma and her sisters in the 1950’s.

 They would have been roughly the same age as this shit kicking group and it made me squeal out loud: Fanny-Eliza, Saphire-Matilda and Charlotte Louisa would be horrified by such behaviour… They would have seen us as a group of brazen hussies as we waved and screamed from the open top bus as it caroused around London, making stops to strut our stuff, have photo ops, drink fizz, dance and LAUGH - oh how much laughter there was. Good job I have a strong pelvic floor, or the summer rain wouldn’t have been the only thing running across the floor! Embracing 60 plus for me is about living a life far removed from Fanny, Min and Lil, whilst acknowledging that they were the pioneers of the freedom I never, ever take for granted. I love them, they are my roots, but…… 

Shrinking violets...

Lets be honest, through financial necessity many of us will be working in some form or another till we attend our own funeral parties, (Flamboyant Funerals as one FB thread suggested) hopefully doing what we love, so why shouldn’t we be having as much fun in our own way as the young ‘uns? This world needs hashtags like: livefastdieold, advantagesofage, notdeadyet, ageingcanbefun, theinvisibilitymyth. With the challenges that we face as we grow older, we need this diverse, inclusive global community network of our own, with it’s shared ethos of supporting each other whilst endeavouring to live our individual lives to the fullest. My flame has not dimmed with age, it is roaring, occasionally with the need for medication, but still… I strive to empower the young people in my life by being a role model who is visible, opinionated, empathetic and hopefully a bit wise. They should be seeing that there is much to look forward to in their own dotage if they keep on keeping on.

This highly visible, glorious movement is not just colourful, entertaining fun, it’s also about connectivity, community and support, so I say it again: Fuck Invisibility!

The Invisibility Myth part 9: The canvas of my own life

➨60 years of time has slipped away, both real and imagined.  My life canvas is a work in progress, now entwined with The Invisibility Myth.  Third coffee of the day drunk and replenished. I am parked in the welcome shade of an ancient maple tree in  France, newly emerged from the blancmange-type fug that has enveloped me on and off for the past week or so. The only harassment comes from a couple of money spiders cruising around my chair, insisting on using my arms as part of their trail, oh and the occasional tortoiseshell butterfly landing on me to fan itself away from the growing heat…. 

I'm gathering my thoughts about us humans - specifically, where i'm currently at as a woman. Sorry if this all sounds a bit me, me, me, but sometimes I find it’s good to share and vent!  

➨As usual with me, the struggle is real to find a thread... 

I’m drawn to the opening line of Patti Smith’s M Train, which reads; ‘It’s not so easy writing about nothing’. Patti is not someone I would believe could ever be at a loss for words, but clearly even my heroines have creative hiccoughs and lack of direction on occasions, which is comforting music to my ears!  She writes at such times in painterly detail about the minutiae of her life:  feeding her cats, hastily dressing to walk to her preferred NYC cafe, her regular order she places of coffee, brown toast, olive oil.  So intimate it’s easy to feel that I know her.  I metaphorically walk alongside her words in M Train, a complete stranger, a voyeur observing and imagining her life.  This is what I seek and enjoy most from interaction with my fellow humans - the detail.  Honesty and detail is what I crave, my key to connecting and understanding the motivation of the extraordinary ordinary human existence.

➨I embrace every opportunity to meet new people, however i’m coming to feel that in new social situations I should wear a badge bearing the words: ‘FUCK THE SMALL TALK, SHOW ME YOUR SOUL!’  I want to know how people see and interact with the world, not just what they do as a day job climbing up the monetary greasy pole (unless it’s relevant to the conversation of course).  Bit much do you think?  Bit intimidating? Bit off-putting? I know, I know, it isn’t that easy for some people to dive straight in - but I am good at encouraging and listening, plus I am genuinely interested…..Truth is, my 60 year old self has less and less tolerance of every day, barely polite small talk, but my interest in observing and endeavouring to understand us humans is growing.  Please, please forgive me. Cut me some aged-related slack, I cannot help it if my mind wanders off when faced with polite insincerity, thinking about my next man and dog/cat snuggle with coffee or vodka and tonic  in hand…(hmmm-mint/cucumber or citron garnish?) ...  Bombard me with a bit of the real, unexpurgated ‘real you’ and you will have my undivided attention!!

➨The reverse dilemma is the internal agony I experience when a new acquaintance asks me the standard, stock question; “And what do you do?”…

Well, how long have you got? We are talking sixty years here after all... 

Past?  Present?  Future?.. 

Do you really give a rats arse?..

Sometimes there’s a sense that I have only a couple of minutes max to hit the right chord, before the questioner glazes over, starts to panic and their eyes wander round the room for a get-out-of-jail-free card! Not everybody wants to have a real conversation straight off the bat it seems…

In my twenties this would have bothered me.  Now I find I am either indifferent or vaguely irritated…

➨According to marketing agency SuperHuman - yes marketing - you know, the business that is paid to tell us what we already know we are doing/feeling, but want to see what field of monetary exploitation is to be had from us,  found in a study of 500 women that 80 per cent felt society’s assumptions about middle aged women do not represent how they live their lives, but while older celebrities and models are more visible than ever before in adverts, older women in general still feel ignored……..At odds with the same article that labels us no-age barrier 'Perennials who are ever blooming, relevant people of all ages who know what’s happening in the world, stay current with technology and have friends of all ages. We are involved, curious mentors of others, who are passionate, compassionate, creative, confident, collaborative, global-minded risk takers.’  WOW - aren’t we the awesomest! Now, this is worth a chewing over don’t you think?…..Any takers?  Or are you glazing over in a confused mind-fuck of mixed messages?  Does this wanting to get straight to the things that matter to me make me a body-swerve sort of guest?  Should we of a certain age be content with conversing about that magnificent obsession of oldies past of death, disease and the lavatory? Or should I just shut the **ck up?  Yeah but no but, that isn't going to happen with my generation...  I think we all need to get out and shout our lack of invisibility more and more in the interests of research and clarification…..

➨Truth to tell, the reason for this particular outpouring,  is that I have been spending way too much time beside hospital beds in the past year.  The hours/days i’ve spent observing and listening to the comings and goings in A & E and Elderly Care Wards, has galvanised my awareness of making the most of what is important to me while I am able.  My accumulated passions and beliefs matter to me, as does leaving behind a truthful, honest legacy of who and what I am. I feel the need to bathe in joy and soak away the pain whenever possible between now and - frankly, who knows when.

➨Right, who is inviting me my big heart and opinionated gob round to theirs for a chin-wag then?💋